Game with Friends or Strangers?

 “There are no strangers here; only friends you haven't yet met.”

— William Butler Yeats

Friends with pizza, dice, games...
and an otherworldly stranger.

Recently someone on my social media feed asked if folks preferred gaming with friends or strangers. It’s an interesting question, with the answer often depending on our own gaming preferences, social circumstances, and personalities. I’ve been gaming more than 40 years and have done my share at tables with friends and strangers. Both experiences gave me headaches and drama...and both provided amazingly fulfilling moments. Each forced me to take a closer look at how we interact over roleplaying games as players and gamemasters, examining what worked and what didn’t, determining how best to prepare, and considering how what happens at the table — how we interact with each other — makes everyone feel.

When I first discovered roleplaying games in junior high, back in the early 1980s, we didn’t have the vast social reach we have today. We knew fellow gamers from our neighborhood, from our bus ride, and maybe from the hobby store that stocked our games (alas, I did not meet any fellow gamers at my local game store). Back then, when roleplaying games and adventure gaming in general brought on a distinctive stigma (especially in high school and college) it was almost like cultivating a secret society of people “in the know.” Eventually, though as I made my way in the world — and society became slightly more accepting of tabletop games — I made gaming friends and converted other friends into gamers.

Star Wars RPG session with danger lurking
in the background. (Art by Mike Vilardi.)

Although we were still exploring the methods and possibilities of roleplaying games, we still ran afoul of pitfalls that plague any social group like rivalries, jealousy, and competing egos, along with some game-specific issues, like different ideas about where the game and characters should go (literally and figuratively) and arguments about rules and their interpretations. Such groups are often afflicted by the idea that “familiarity breeds contempt.” People get on each other’s nerves when they share experiences in close quarters, even if that environment is sitting around the game table in a common creative narrative experience. Like any social group, friends bring in their friends we assume are our friends, and we give them the benefit of the doubt (one of my personal failings), but they can also add friction to the group. You know that one annoying thing your friend does? Bring that into a roleplaying game group where it can run rampant in an imaginary yet shared experience and it can try the most tolerant of people. And as they expand — attracting friends of friends who aren’t in the central group — they push the bounds of what people expect, what fulfills them, and whether they actually find it enjoyable.

I’ve had many good gaming friends over the years, but no regular roleplaying gaming group for years now (not for lack of trying...). I’ve enjoyed casual get-togethers, mixed groups with gamers and game-curious friends, and regular weekly games lasting entire campaigns. Alas, like friends, gamers move on, either physically or in their interests. And friction can contribute to game group fractures. Way back, when I was writing the Griffon’s Aerie blog, I wrote about how underlying tensions over the U.S. invasion of Iraq (along with other issues) ended my participation in a longtime and often very fulfilling game group.

The author (at left) running a convention
Star Wars game on the Mos Eisley diorama.

I started running games at conventions — games for strangers — a few years before I started working for West End Games, when hosting convention and demo games became an enjoyable part of the job. My first games were, understandably, slipshod, amateur endeavors; but over the years and many games I’d like to think I’ve developed a few strategies for designing and preparing for these often one-shot roleplaying game sessions with strangers. Prepare pregenerated characters with whom I’m familiar. Use tent cards so participants remember who they’re playing (and I remember who they are). Remain flexible when two players show up for a six-player game. Using the D6 System I have a fairly standard, characdter-sheet-based overview for folks new to the rules; if I dare try other systems I try to rehearse a similar concise yet workable summary of the rules so we can dive into the action quickly.

I’ve also occasionally encountered those infamous “difficult” players who try everyone’s patience. I have to remain on my feet (a challenge for me) when players push the bounds; not of the game, but of expected behavior at the game table. The players whose characters work very hard to act out and “break” the scenario. The disruptive “I’m just doing what my character would do” type who don’t really care about the overall group experience. Bored players who really don’t want to be there. The rambunctious kids some dad just dropped off because I hosted a “kid-friendly” game and he wanted to go play his game.

Each demographic brings its own challenges...and rewards. Gaming with friends has allowed me to run extended campaigns, focus on character development opportunities, learn more about some people through gaming, and even occasionally be a player. Playing with strangers, usually at conventions, helps satisfy my need to run roleplaying games in the absence of friend groups, exposes me to different play styles, introduces me to some very nurturing players helping others find enjoyment, and offers an opportunity to forge friendships with new people...even if we only meet once a year at a convention. I’ve met some amazing people, seen incredible acts of kindness and camaraderie, in convention games with folks I barely knew.

How much we indulge in gaming with friends or strangers depends on many factors, not least of which is access to gaming opportunities in our region that fit in with our busy lives. Friends might prefer different kinds of games beyond roleplaying games — more casual board games, wargames, or even miniatures games — and we take what we can get to keep the friend group engaged. We may have more opportunities for gaming with strangers: demos at institutions like libraries and museums, conventions in our area, and the friendly local game store. While much of my experience comes from roleplaying games, many lessons learned also apply to regularly playing board games and wargames. We often take our gaming whenever we can get it, learning to navigate gaming with friends or strangers and managing the challenges each can pose in our pursuit of positive experiences in our hobby.

Is it better to game with friends or strangers? I think the ultimate answer, like many to life’s numerous questions, lies somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, not at one pole or the other...a sort of “Why not both?” solution. Much of it depends on our individual circumstances and preferences. While we shouldn’t endure situations that make us feel uncomfortable, unappreciated, and even unsafe, it helps to remain accepting and flexible when gaming with both friends and strangers...and know our own limits to determine if and when it’s time to move on.

“Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend — or a meaningful day.”

— Dalai Lama